One of the areas in ministry where you can make a tremendous impact is when you have an opportunity to minister to students and their families in difficult times. Handled well, you will not only serve them, but also strengthen their faith and build their connections to God and your church. Handled poorly and they may end up rejecting your ministry, the church or even God.
Janet Finn in her social work textbook, Just Practice, calls walking through tough times with someone accompaniment. The term gives a great mental image. You aren’t watching them from afar and shouting encouragement (be ye warm and fed without giving shelter or food), but you are accompanying them on their painful journey. It’s the difference between telling a parent and student you will be thinking about them during a critical surgery and actually sitting in the hospital with them. It’s not necessarily that either is wrong, it’s just that one is obviously more of an accompaniment on their journey.
I know there are plenty of articles about the not so wonderful things people often say and do in a difficult situation that hurt more than they help, but I want to share with you some of the things mentioned in the Finn text as well as a few of my own ideas for things that can really help.
- Don’t just offer to pray, make an effort to get lots of people praying and fasting. In really serious situations, you can even set up schedules so people know they are being prayed for around the clock. Encourage people to let the student or family know they have been praying for them. The prayer of one is comforting, but somehow knowing dozens are praying for you feels even more comforting. (Don’t use prayer as an excuse to gossip. Get the student and the student’s family’s permission before telling anyone and everyone what is happening.)
- View yourself as a partner, not an expert. Unless you are a doctor, hearing about everything you’ve ever read about the health issue someone is facing is not particularly helpful. Nor is hearing every horror story you know. You are there to help and serve, not tell them what to do or second guess their choices. If they ask for your opinion or you seriously believe they are making a dangerous choice, then weigh in. Otherwise, let them take the lead in letting you know what they need from your fount of knowledge.
- Quote scripture carefully and in context. “God does not give you more than you can handle” is found exactly zero times in the Bible, so please don’t quote it as if it were scripture. There are verses in the Bible where people said terribly wrong things – like Job’s friends. If you quote them, for example, you are quoting foolishness that God later chastises them for saying. Googling for Bible verses does not give you the context of the verse and whether it is something from God or a person who was being foolish. Look up and read the verses and even chapters surrounding a verse before you quote it as being something from God. This also goes for “wisdom” that may actually be taught against in scripture.
- Aim for being nonintrusive. Sometimes people trying to help over reach and cause more trouble for the person who is struggling. Think carefully about what you are about to say or do. Pray for wisdom. Pay attention to any guidance from the Holy Spirit. Sometimes people want others to sit with them as they struggle while others will see it as an intrusion on their privacy. How will what you are about to say or do be received by those you are trying to help?
- Practice empathy, not sympathy. Empathy is loving and tries to see the world from another’s perspective. You don’t have to agree with it, but seek to understand. Sympathy often carries a condescending or judgmental tone. “I am so sorry you aren’t as smart as I am to avoid this trouble. Let me throw you my cast offs to help.” Empathy is more likely to say “I can’t imagine how hard this must be” than “Well at least…”. Empathy will sit silently, holding someone’s hand when sympathy is telling them what they should have done. Empathy can advise and teach, but is extremely careful about how it is done.
- Be willing to get your hands dirty. Finn calls this full participation. Sometimes being supportive isn’t easy or fun. It can happen in the middle of the night, outside in horrible weather or at a time when you have a million things happening in your own life. It may be washing dishes by hand or mowing a lawn in 100* heat. It’s doing what the people who are hurting truly need you to do – whether or not it’s fun, easy or convenient.
Helping others through tough times is so critical in ministry. It can help someone survive and even thrive spiritually. Just make sure what you say or do helps rather than hurts them.