As part of my Masters in Social Work program, I am working with a group that helps people obtain legal protection orders to give them some legal recourse against their abusers. In order to help them, we have to listen to details of their story to complete the necessary paperwork. As victims talk about their abusers, they often reveal what they knew about the person early in the relationship. The vast majority of the time there are serious red flags that would have sent me running for the hills had I been them. Yet evidently no one taught them these things were signs – not necessarily of an abuser – but definitely of someone who would not make a stable loving romantic partner or eventual spouse. They still seemed oblivious in many cases to the warning signals.
There are a lot of things parents believe is common knowledge or that someone else will teach their children. Except they aren’t. This means your children are just as likely to pick someone who is going to undermine their faith or hurt them in major ways emotionally or physically as anyone else who is a current victim. In fact, we see college professors, students and everyone else you can imagine.
Perhaps you think you will spot these dangerous people and warn your children, thereby sparing them. You will find, however, the older your children they get, the more they will make decisions without your input or perhaps wait until they are totally enamored with someone before you even meet them and realize there are issues. At that point, it is extremely difficult to get someone to see the truth and walk away.
Protect your kids by talking about romantic relationships and marriage years before they are ready to date. Start when they are really little by telling them stories of the positive things your spouse did when you were dating that let you know your spouse was a person who would be safe, loving and help you be the best you could be. Reinforce things like dating people who are already Christians and love and obey God. Talk about hoping they marry someone with certain characteristics like honesty and kindness and how to look for signs they aren’t that way.
As your children approach dating age, begin talking about warning signs you see in relationships in content you are watching together. You know drama is ahead, so chances are you can anticipate it before it happens. Say things like, “He isn’t being honest about work. She needs to be careful because he could be lying to her about other things as well,” or “Wow! He sure can’t take his eyes off of other women. Look how he is looking at them with lust in his eyes. That’s going to be a real problem later. “
Teach your children about warning signs that seem like good things at first like “love bombing” or manipulation. Sometimes someone too good to be true….is. You don’t want your kids to be so paranoid they run from romantic relationships entirely, but you do want them to be cautious. It’s like teaching them to cross the street, they need to know how to avoid the potential dangers, but they still need to be willing and at times excited to cross a street.
As your children begin dating, discuss dating only people they believe might be worth marrying. Not that you are rushing marriage. Rather, you are teaching them to avoid dating and falling in love with people they know would not make good spouses just because they are lonely. Talk about signs that they need to end a relationship immediately – no matter how cute, popular or fun the person may be. Reinforce the importance of trusting the experience of you and other older people when they are warned they should probably not be dating a person. Share anonymous stories of people you know who ignored signs or advice and the trouble they encountered in their marriage.
Be intentional in teaching your children how to choose romantic partners and an eventual spouse well. You may save your child and your family a lot of pain and heartache.
