There is a part of everyone that wants to be loved unconditionally. For many, there is also a desire to fit in to the crowd and be like everyone around them. In the minds of children and teens, these desires often combine into a wish to be popular. They believe that all of their social and emotional problems will be solved if they are the most popular person in their class, grade or school. While adults know that isn’t true, even parents can project their own teen angst onto their children and push them towards popularity. As Christians, is popularity something our kids should crave and we should push them towards?
As with many things in life, the answer isn’t simple. Many of the character traits God calls Christians to have will naturally draw people to us. Who doesn’t appreciate someone who exhibits fruits of the Spirit like love, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control? While those qualities may or may not be exhibited by the most popular kids in school, having them will usually make your kids well liked and respected.
The tricky part of popularity is the behaviors that are often a part of being in the popular crowd. At times the top group socially can be exclusionary and even cruel to those who don’t meet the group standards. One study looked at popularity in multiple cultures around the world. While some of the characteristics were positive ones, the thread that concerned researchers was that in every culture, hedonistic behavior was considered necessary for popularity. In teen terms, partying hard is a requirement for being truly popular.
Obviously, that is problematic for Christian young people. There is good news, however. Research has also found that to feel accepted, young people only really need one or two good friends. They have also found that a close knit family who has fun together can serve as a protective factor for kids having social issues.
Have conversations with your kids. There are levels of popularity. Often “good” kids are liked, respected and elected to all of those things that make one feel popular. They just are not invited to the after hours parties and may be teased about their morals and choices. Encourage them to focus on having a few close friends that support each other in making good choices. Help them act in the ways Jesus would towards others and point out as you see others drawn to them for their loving, supportive character. Tell stories from your own experience about how even the most popular kids often don’t feel secure in their popularity – hence some of the acting out towards those not in their group. Remind them that popularity or the lack thereof in high school has little bearing on future success or their ability to create their own happy family. Remind them of the life of Jesus. Even Jesus, while he was popular with the people, was mocked and scorned by the religious in crowd of the day. Make time to spend together as a family – having fun – especially on the weekends when your kids may be excluded from certain social functions.
Struggling with popularity is part of growing up. Helping your child navigate it as a Christian can save them a lot of heartache and negative consequences from trying too hard to fit in.
