Communication can make or break your ministry. Most of us give little thought how to communicate with others on a daily basis, tending to use the communication patterns we have developed over a lifetime. Unfortunately, some of those patterns can undermine and even destroy ministries that are wonderful in other ways.
Here are some of the most destructive communication issues we see on a regular basis in ministry.
- Failure to communicate to everyone touched by your ministry regularly and clearly. Everyone should hear from your ministry at least weekly. You will probably need separate communications with volunteers and parents. You also want regular communications with church/ministry leaders and church members. Don’t assume anyone knows anything. Avoid acronyms (IYNYN) and “church words” unless you also provide a clear definition. Assume the person reading your communication is brand new to Christianity and your church. Would they understand what you are saying?
- Keeping secrets. If someone is having a personal issue, they should give permission before sharing the information with others. Most ministries fail to be transparent in other ways, however, which erodes trust over time. Volunteers, parents and students may not need to know every detail of your decision making process, but being kept in the loop helps people trust that you aren’t trying to do something they will perceive as hurting them behind their backs.
- Being poor listeners. We all have a tendency to ignore people we perceive as complainers or annoying. Unfortunately the busier and more stressed we become, the longer that list of people seems to get. Soon anyone that has a suggestion of how to improve our ministries is an annoying complainer and we don’t listen. When that happens our ministries suffer and begin to languish. It’s also important to listen to the emotions behind the words. Is the person really as upset about something trivial as they seem or are they hurting in some other way that is spilling into their conversation with you? Help minister to that pain and your communications could improve.
- Speaking like a politician. Yes, people will tend to hear what they want to hear if you do it well and leave you alone. At its core though, it often involves lying. You are allowing them to think you are considering what they say or are going to do what they want when you have no intention of doing so.
- Becoming defensive. It’s human nature when we feel attacked to fight back (or run or freeze). It’s our brain protecting us from a metaphorical bear. Next time it happens, take a deep breath or two and get back into the rational part of your brain. Practice what is basically good customer service. Don’t interrupt. Ask questions to clarify what they are saying. Ask them what they want from you or your ministry. You aren’t going to necessarily give it to them, but you need to know what they think will make whatever it is they are upset about right. Often, just letting them vent without interrupting will calm them down. People want to feel heard. Hear them. If explanations are needed, save them until after they have said everything they needed to say.
- Derogatory speech. Put downs, name calling, labeling and threatening all make people feel less than – even if they agree with your assessment. Why? Because if you will say that about other people, what are you saying about them behind their backs? Even though it’s perhaps more honest to do those things to someone’s face, who wants to hear anything someone who is verbally abusing them has to say?
- Avoiding accountability speech. Blaming, accusing, demanding, complaining and judging all come across as not only demeaning, but a way for you and your ministry to avoid taking accountability for your role in an issue. Your ministry has made tacit or real promises and if the results don’t meet expectations, people will complain. Trying to deflect the criticism onto others rarely ends well. Own your part and instead of using negative speech, ask them to partner with you and help you in the ways you need them to help in order to reach your mission and goals.
- Assumptive speech. That’s fancy legal talk (watching all those legal shows can pay off for techniques in conflict resolution and debate!) for assuming the motives and wishes of others without actually asking them what they are. This is really dangerous, because for some reason, most of us automatically assume the worst. Instead of assuming someone didn’t notice you or was having a bad morning, we immediately jump to “they hate me and want to get me fired”. Assume the best until the worst is confirmed. Better yet, ask them what they are thinking and feeling or what motivates what they said or did.
James tells us that controlling our tongues is one of the hardest things we have to do as Christians. Being more intentional about ridding yourself and your ministry of these poor communication habits will help. It might even change more than you will ever realize.